Tatipota Liberalises the Use of Recreational Biscuits.

In an attempt to stem the growing trend for young Tatipotans to make use of hallucinogenic biscuits, authorities in Tatipota have voted to liberalise them altogether.

“It’s no use trying to implement the law than bans drugs,” explains Justice Minister Justin Tatipero, “because traditionally nobody cares about laws, here in Tatipota. So we decided to concentrate on collecting taxes instead.”

As from tomorrow, people will stop being sentenced to hard labour at the local hula-hoop factory for possessing or selling biscuits that contain cacapita resinosa, the active ingredient from the foul-smelling cacapito weed, which mostly grows in the Cacachichi jungle.

The distinctive teddy-bear shaped biscuits were first introduced during the late sixties by a Nigerian hippie, sitar-player Petal Pennywort Adedeji. Apparently, their production was quite accidental, since the woman, who was taking five during performances in a rural town, had dipped a biscuit into a bowl of the native hallucinogenic soup known as cachapino, mistaking it for cappuccino. 

She was soon found wandering, her arms extended, speaking Italian, and trying to take off from an abandoned landing strip.

Teenagers also noticed that sloths started swinging from live electric lines rather than hanging from tree branches, and eventually tracked their odd behaviour down to the fact that Miss Adedeji was feeding them her biscuits.

The sloths’ serendipitous addiction was eventually picked up by the population at large and it spawned rave parties that became so popular as to attract the attention of the local coca-farmers. Irate at the competition from the biscuits, Tatipota’s notorious “Black Bradypus” coca cartel invoked the country’s anti-drug legislation, calling on the police to crack down on cacapito weed production.

However, the biscuits simply started being sold and traded underground. Tatipotan authorities were never able to bring its use under check, until the Non-binary Humanfolk’s Congress, during one of its end-of-the-year rave parties, unanimously voted to lift the ban.

As a result, the number of teenagers now being committed to prison has dropped greatly.

“We care for our youth,” says Minister for Social Affairs, Angelito Brutos-Tatipero, “and we don’t want to send them to prison.”

The World Unity Organisation’s Secretary General has praised Tatipota’s initiative in fighting substance abuse among young people.

“We need creative approaches to global challenges,” she said.

Tatipota’s Ambassador Intervenes in the WUO General Assembly.

Tatipota’s Permanent Representative to the World Unity Organisation, Ambassador Klamp von Throttel, delivered a speech in today’s meeting of the WUO’s deliberative body, the General Assembly.

“Distinguished colleagues, Excellencies, dear Non-binary individuals and Non-heteronormative Living Organisms,” he said.

“More than two years have passed since my country first joined this organisation, with the firm commitment to bring a significant contribution to world peace.

However, the WUO has fallen short of its promises and I very much regret to say that since that day it still hasn’t delivered.

Indeed, despite numerous, reiterated interventions in my capacity as representative of the People’s Democratic Tatipota, the organisation’s staff haven’t yet found the little silver box in which I keep my heartburn pills.

Yes. Two entire years have passed, and the box remains as elusive and evanescent as when I first drew the WUO’s attention to the problem.

And now, I ask you all, how can this organisation, which prides itself in the pursuit of peace and prosperity, possibly rise to the lofty task of forging a better world, if it cannot even return a small, humble pillbox to its rightful owner?

Must I really resort to this august podium to explain what the box looked like, in order to have it back? Doesn’t the World Unity Organisation have more pressing issues to attend to?

Apparently not.

Frankly, I am most concerned at such lack of resolve before the simplest of challenges.

But then, and let me state this very clearly, humankind’s legitimate aspiration to a brighter future cannot be quelled. History itself is but a long tale of people rising against injustice and against that most heinous outcome of injustice, which we call tyranny. 

Are we perhaps forgetting this, today?

Nay, nay. I am confident that it is not so, and I daresay that this appeal of mine mightn’t be entirely falling on deaf ears, but will be heard and followed through with less incompetence than it has been until this present moment.

Distinguished colleagues, Excellencies, dear Non-binary Individuals and Non-heteronormative Living Organisms,

if found, the little box can be returned to me at the Premiumsupraluxus Hotel, suite 655, or left to Pedro, the concierge. You’ll easily recognise him because the boy looks amazingly fit, since I have him go to the solarium each day.

I should be very grateful indeed for your efforts, and, with me, the entire people of the People’s Democratic Tatipota. 

Let us never disappoint the world again.

Thank you.”

A New Cabinet is Approved in the People’s Democratic Tatipota.

The Presidenta of the People’s Democratic Tatipota, Astrid Tatipero, has unveiled her new cabinet. Built in Paris by a master craftsman of noble origins, it is made entirely out of rosewood and it can hold up to 70 bottles of gin. 

She told the press that, once the piece of furniture is approved by the country’s Non-binary Humanfolk’s Congress, its introduction will mark a new phase in Tatipota’s march towards full democracy.

Accordingly, history teachers must stop mentioning the war of independence, which saw the destruction of a precious Louis XVI cupboard as well as two casualties in the attempt to smuggle surviving chunks of it across the border as firewood.

Instead, educators must enlighten the younger generations on less divisive aspects of national identity, such as the colourful fertility dances and the noisy mass circumcision festivals held during summers in Tatipota’s rainforest. 

Fittingly, the new cabinet will be inaugurated by the Presidenta herself during a fertility dance that is scheduled to be held next week. Two virgins and a soothsayer will be appointed at the end of the ceremony to take care of the furnishing and keep it spotless henceforth. 

An abundant rain is expected to bless the proceedings.

“With this new cabinet,” concluded Presidenta Tatipero, “it will be possible to address all of Tatipota’s problems more efficiently than ever before. My guests will find lots of spirits inside it, and the signing of my decrees will take much less time.

The head of the opposition, Dr. Stipsis Propolis, has announced that he will be boycotting the fertility dance in protest against the dismissal of ministers who had criticised the solid rosewood cabinet for being too heavy to carry around in the yearly opening-of-Parliament procession.

Offensive Statues are Removed in Tatipota

Tatipotan authorities have begun removing offensive statues from public display.

The campaign has notably led to the demolition of the country’s largest monument, a bronze one located in front of Tatipota’s defunct railway station and dedicated to poet Carlo “Coco” Conti, who praised the soothing qualities of Tatipotan cocoa in one of its best loved compositions, ‘The Brown Colour of Relief.’

Remarking that cocoa was grown during the colonial era and that Conti’s statue was thus susceptible to be mistaken for a tribute to that period, the Tatipotan Non-Binary Humanfolk’s Congress recently voted for its removal and its replacement with a gilded torso of the country’s Presidenta, Astrid Tatipero. 

In a televised apology for having crafted the offensive monument, sculptor Vespasian Boncas has pledged to give up art and take up printing instead.

“From now on,” he said, “I shall dedicate my life to spreading the speeches of our dearest Presidenta.”

Notwithstanding his regrets, other statues by the same sculptor have been removed from their plinths and replaced with effigies of La Presidenta. Among them are those of celebrated Tatipotan palmist Madame Zora, botanist Dahlia Thorne, and reflexologist Saul Podas, whose descendants are all suspected to have socialised with those of colonists during last year’s grand national ostrich derby. 

In what is seen as a development of the democratic awareness campaign that might have unthinkable international repercussions, Tatipotan authorities have also requested the U.S. Embassy to remove a bust of George Washington from its waiting room, complaining that it was upsetting Tatipota’s indigenous population. 

“In 1779 that colonist wreaked havoc onto the Haudenosaunee natives,” explains Minister for Democracy Flatulencio Tatipero. “We shall formally ask the World Unity Organisation to have his face removed from Mount Rushmore and replaced with that of our beloved Presidenta.”

The World Unity Organisation’s Secretary General has praised Tatipota’s initiative in removing offensive artifacts from global view.

“We need global approaches to monuments,” she said.

Tatipota’s Economy Struggles to Avoid Collapse.

“The economy is in deep trouble but we’ll manage to keep the nation running,” assured Tatipota’s Economy Minister, Farthing Tatipero.

Speaking to the media, he assured that, in order to slash the deficit, funds are being actively sought in neighbouring countries, whilst the Ball of the Anaconda Women, a traditional event held every year at Tatipota’s Opera house, has been postponed so as to bring about further cuts in local current expenses.

“By not inviting dozens of anaconda women we can definitely save on caviar and champagne and settle all the government’s outstanding gas and electricity bills,” explained Minister Tatipero, “and in the meanwhile, we have dispatched envoys equipped with tin boxes to street corners in a number of brotherly countries. 

Through the adoption of such urgent measures we expect to secure enough hard currency to make ends meet by the end of the month.”

“Furthermore,” added Mr Tatipero in a flurry of flashes from the cameras, “thanks to our radical policy of reform that will eliminate corruption, make the duplication of receipts illegal, end the forgery of budgets, ban state officials who get caught asking for protection money, and stop the siphoning of petrol off government cars, we expect the living standards of the country’s underprivileged masses to rise sufficiently for us to tax them accordingly as from next year, thus squaring the democratic budget once and for all, and perhaps even funding an aircraft carrier too.”

The creative solution to the nation’s economic woes is said to be the brainchild of an unnamed European national who jumped the border into Tatipota by accident, wrongly believing that he was escaping EU tax authorities from the other side. 

Being the only person in the country to hold a degree in finance, he is thought to be currently held prisoner at Minister Tatipero’s ostrich farm until he works out a solution to the pitiful state of the indigenous economy.

Despite such persistent rumours, Tatipotan authorities have been strongly denying any foul play. 

The Minister of Democratic Information, Jirec Bolok-Tatipero, issued a statement in Brussels, yesterday, saying that no stray European has been seen in the country since Spanish conquistador Oscar De Los Titos was eaten by cannibals there, in 1632.

Tatipota Celebrates Columbus Day

The People’s Democratic Tatipota is today celebrating the discovery of Christopher Columbus by a mythical Tatipotan, Chief Guano. The tribal leader is said to have been the first native to spot the navigator when he landed on one of the country’s beaches to break wind after having consumed beans on board his ship for twelve weeks in a row. 

Legend tells us that the traveller appeared “like roaring thunder”, his “shiny golden hair flapping in the wind.” 

After having briefly roasted himself a dodo on the beach, the celebrated navigator is said to have paddled back to his ship, and left.

Some enduring Tatipotan traditions do support the theory that Columbus visited the country. A flat, round, and edible drum struck by virgins during mating rituals is called ‘pizza’ in the native tongue.

Moreover, Tatipota Museum displays the last surviving page from the diary of an ill-fated conquistador, captain Fernando Bombardo. In it, the Spaniard reported spotting in the thickets a man whose description fitted that of Columbus.

“I overhead our most illustrious capitàn telling a native that he would show her his telescope if only she would follow him aboard the Santa Maria,” the text reads. “I waved and called to him for help, but he made off with the wench, and was soon gone, leaving me to deal with the cannibals.” 

These and other clues point to historical truth underpinning the legend of Chief Guano, and explain the pride that the people of Tatipota take in holding the annual celebration known as ‘Guano Day,’ which they hold to be the only one worthy of the New Continent.

Typically, fireworks are set off from the belfry of Tatipota’s cathedral and folk dances are performed inside hospitals to cheer patients up, while La Presidenta Astrid Tatipero addresses rousing patriotic speeches to the local populace from the back of a roving truck. Schools and offices are closed during the whole day, and brothels offer free drinks for all.

“We’re very proud of having discovered Columbus,” confirms Culture Minister Kostas Papas-Tatipero, “because, in a way, it makes of us the discoverers of the United States of America. Maybe Hollywood wouldn’t even exist if, a long time ago, our great forebear hand’t spotted the navigator, cooking himself a dodo on our beach.”

Tatipota Joins the World Unity Organisation.

The Permanent Representative of the People’s Democratic Tatipota to the World Unity Organisation has today presented a formal application on behalf of his country to join the WUO, after having left it only two weeks ago.

The decision follows a debate in the nation’s Non-Binary Humanfolk’s Congress over global solidarity, democratic values, and the recourse to peaceful and negotiated solutions in addressing conflicts.

Observers, however, point to the generous technical assistance that is extended to the organisation’s new members, suggesting that Tatipota’s long history of joining and leaving the WUO might simply be motivated by the desire to obtain fresh funds.

“Tatipota first joined in 1969, when plans had just been finalised to build a luxury hotel by the Pupipoti river,” recalls political analyst Donkis Fistulas, “but left it when the resort was completed, only to apply once more for membership when it was found that the building lacked plumbing. After the pipes had been put in place, Tatipota’s Congress voted to leave. Now they’re wanting to buy an aircraft carrier for their ramshackle navy, and, of course, they seek to join again. This isn’t serious at all.”

Tatipota’s Minister for International Aid, Oscar Pankreatis-Tatipero, firmly rejects any such insinuation.

“Fascist fiddlesticks,” he told us. “We left the WUO because we were dissatisfied with the way in which Secretary-General Kamila Bruschetti handled discussions. She screamed at our ambassador and never paid attention to any of his speeches. She was a horrible woman. If now we wish to re-join, it’s only because someone blew her up.”

We therefore asked Mr Pankreatis-Tatipero what he thought of the current Secretary-General.

“Our ambassador says that’s he’s all right for the time being,” he replied, “but it seems that he has a sweaty handshake and keeps on staring at people. Should this become a problem, the People’s Democratic Tatipota might be compelled to review the terms of its membership and leave.”