The Tatipotan President narrowly avoids arrest at Miami airport.

The first ever official visit abroad by a Tatipotan head of state went awry when President Desmondo Tatipero arrived in Miami, where he had been invited by the local Patriotic Society of Expatriates to deliver a speech on preserving the hand-made concrete bollards that Tatipota exported in the fifties and that are presently in danger of being sold to the U.S. Army for target practice.

The head of state had chosen to bring his cat Fifi along, which also was a first instance of any head of state travelling with a pet rather than with his spouse.

The searing summer heat, the tiring official duties that he had had to carry out before his departure -such as the palace locking ceremony-, and the confusion inside Miami airport much accounted for the president’s weariness. Thus, when a car finally arrived to pick him up, he loaded Fifi’s carrier onto it but left his own suitcase behind.

President Tatipero was busy addressing the Tatipotan community over the relevance of bollards, when the antiterrorism squad noticed the abandoned luggage and called in bomb experts to dispose of it. They swiftly arrived together with sniffer dogs, and the area was sealed off.

The quantity of stickers on the suitcase gave special cause for alarm.

“The man has travelled to just about anywhere in the world where a bomb exploded at some point in time,” commented an officer. “Baghdad, Peshawar, Kabul, and Tripoli, just to name a few.”

Fortunately, President Tatipero had taken care to write down his cell phone number on the suitcase’s tag, and the police were thus able to contact him before proceeding to blow the luggage up. 

He swiftly reiterated to his audience the need to preserve Tatipotan artifacts, and rushed back to the airport.

There, however, the head of state found the police ready to arrest him for having caused false public alarm.

“But I’m the president of the People’s Democratic Tatipota,” he contended, waving his diplomatic passport at every uniformed person around, including the ice-cream man. “Since my wife ran off with a bodybuilder, all my thoughts are for Fifi, which is why I had forgotten about my suitcase.”

The police eventually conceded that, had the president maliciously wanted to cause alarm, he wouldn’t have bothered to write his details down on the luggage tag. 

He was therefore released and allowed to board a return flight to Tatipota on condition that he wouldn’t travel to the United States with Fifi again.

A small but enthused crown of the president’s countrymen waved from the airport’s lounge as the aircraft taxied along the runway.

Cinema stars receive their STDs in Tatipota.

This year’s edition of Tatipota’s celebrated ‘Silver Thespian Distinctions’ festival has been graced by the presence of top actors and actresses from across the globe, in an effulgence of chic and a flurry of inspirational speeches from the podium of the Princess Gomorrah Titipappy Theater.

The reporters’ attention was captured by rising star Tatiana Anthill, who, having revealed just one week ago that she is expecting a baby from fellow actor Jose’ Spandex, walked down the red carpet wearing an inflatable doll taped onto her belly.

Greatly awaited this year was also the appearance of veteran local actress Conchita Pankhurst, after a two-year-long cosmetic surgery which saw her nose turned upside down so as to make her nostrils less apparent.

“I just need to wear a hat when it rains,” she told reporters when asked what it felt like for an established actress to have entirely new image.

The actual STDs were bestowed on five pictures : ‘Wheelchair Rampage’ and ‘The Unmentionables’ respectively received this year’s prizes for the world’s best ever action movie and the world’s best ever thriller, whilst ‘Patrick of Cork’ became the world’s best ever remake of ‘Lawrence of Arabia’. 

‘Chopstick Pizza,’ by Margherita Chang-Lee was the world’s best ever multiethnic entry. 

Finally, much as the media had anticipated, Selma Britch’s blockbuster ‘I’ll Get Your Ass’, entirely shot with a cell phone while chasing her real-life spouse across Minnesota, secured the prize for the world’s best ever documentary. The final accident scene, in which the chased individual was discovered to be another person, drew a standing ovation from the jurors.

Receiving an honorary prize for the World’s Best Director of All Times for his controversial work glorifying substance abuse in hospitals, television celebrity April Fix dedicated her achievement to “all the minorities who struggle in the world of show business against gender misidentification, sexual harassment, mental intimidation, cultural appropriation, and the infringement of my copyright.”

The final smiling ceremony, which was sponsored by Brillodent ACME, suffered one mishap when a poodle allegedly belonging to last year’s ‘Golden Fifi’ winner, Domingo Dongas, wetted the red carpet, causing a spat with April Fix, who was wrongly accused of being the culprit. However, Ms Fix recovered with her customary grace and, smiling at the surrounding flashlights, she delivered the event’s closing speech :

“OMG I’m like so like very proud of being so proud of you all, who made me like so proud of being proud here with all you awesome guys today.”

The World Unity Organisation’s Secretary General has praised Tatipota’s initiative in embracing the celebration of the entertainment industry.

“We need creative approaches to global challenges,” she said.

Tatipota celebrates its democratic values.

Democracy marches were held all over Tatipota, today, to mark the anniversary of the antifascist revolution that brought the military to power. Throngs of locals went in circles around the country’s most significant monuments, chanting slogans and swigging mango-wine.

In the capital, celebrations were presided over by Tatipota’s heads of State, Presidenta Astrid Tatipero and Presidente Desmondo Tatipero, who were both wearing outfits especially designed for them by local couturier, Ossobuco Tortellini. Astrid Tatipero was very much admired in a clinging orange dress and a frisky emerald-green turban that, Mr Tortellini explained to the press, were meant to evoke carrots. 

“Carrots are joyful, healthy, and good for the people, just like our revolution.”

Instead El Presidente, who was clad in austere black, sported a red kerchief in his left pocket, a yellow necktie, and a green kerchief in his right pocket.

“Traffic lights are good for preventing chaos,” continued Mr Tortellini, “just like our revolution.”

Addressing participants before the customary Democracy March around the monument to the Tatipero dynasty, the two presidents stressed that Tatipotan society rests on the core values of democracy, equality and non-discrimination, tolerance, transparency, rule of law, non-violence, justice, solidarity, accountability, cooperation, dignity, inclusion, liberty, partnership, responsibility, openness, equal opportunities, as well as female chastity before marriage and, ideally, also nice weather during the summer.

The much-applauded celebrations saw a platoon of policemen opening the March of Democracy preceded by flag-bearing captain Jacques Accordeon, a police inspector whose televised apology for having handcuffed a drunkard inspired the nation, earlier this year, after a much-talked about incident.

“The man approached me wielding a broken bottle,” captain Accordion had argued at the time, “and I thought it would be safe to use the handcuffs, also because he had a crowbar in the other hand.”

But it turned out that the drunkard had only smashed a bottle against the juke box in order to stop himself to getting even more intoxicated, since he was to visit his mother, later that night and wished to leave a good impression.

In a debate that gripped the nation, dividing it between supporters of law and order and a vast majority of Tatipotans who felt offended by it, Jacques Accordeon eventually went on air to sign a televised apology for the manhandling. 

After having served a brief prison term, he was reinstated and promoted to the rank of captain and became an example of repentant integrity to the rest of the force.

An Extraordinary Tatipotan Surgical Feat.

Braving all odds, a foot was successfully reattached to a toe in what is considered to be the most ambitious surgical operation ever performed in the Democratic People’s Tatipota.

Surgeon Stratos Spherikis engaged in the challenging operation while the electricity was out, because a man next door, who was playing several video games simultaneously, had blown the building’s fuse box.

“I had to carry on operating all the same, even in total darkness,” Dr. Spherikis told reporters, “and since I often used to take piano lessons with my eyes closed in order not to see the music teacher getting cross at me, I figured that attaching a foot to a toe without seeing anything wouldn’t be all that different.”

Commenting on the operation’s positive outcome, he said “It was fortunate that the foot has all the rest of the body together with it, so, in addition to wiggling under the bedsheets, the toe can now speak, eat, and it’s also likely to start walking by next week.”

Indeed, the sprightly one-inch patient is recovering well in the intensive care unit of Tatipota’s Santo Tatipero hospital, where it is being cared for around the clock by a specialised team of doctors and nurses.

“I feel much better,” it said, “and hope to wear my favourite shoes soon again.” 

Asked what it wanted to do, now that it had a brain, the toe replied that, since the body belonged to an insurance broker, it would probably engage in that very same activity. It also said that it was hoping to date one of the nurses and start a family.

Dr. Spherikis plans to carry out more similar operations in the future.
“Since it has now been demonstrated that a toe can survive despite having an entire body to carry around, I’m aiming to experiment with fingers. If fingers behave in any comparable way, we might be able to establish an interesting similarity between hands and feet that probably nobody, not even Leonardo, ever wrote about before.”

Dr. Spherikis, who is 84, says that he took up medicine quite accidentally, after having been disgracefully expelled from the State Conservatory for chasing the sopranos.

“But my fingers had become very restless, playing the piano for months on end, and they even twitched during my sleep; so a friend of mine, while we were smoking cachapino weed, came up with the idea of taking up surgery to keep them busy. I thought it was a very cool idea, so here I am now.”

Tatipota Liberalises the Use of Recreational Biscuits.

In an attempt to stem the growing trend for young Tatipotans to make use of hallucinogenic biscuits, authorities in Tatipota have voted to liberalise them altogether.

“It’s no use trying to implement the law than bans drugs,” explains Justice Minister Justin Tatipero, “because traditionally nobody cares about laws, here in Tatipota. So we decided to concentrate on collecting taxes instead.”

As from tomorrow, people will stop being sentenced to hard labour at the local hula-hoop factory for possessing or selling biscuits that contain cacapita resinosa, the active ingredient from the foul-smelling cacapito weed, which mostly grows in the Cacachichi jungle.

The distinctive teddy-bear shaped biscuits were first introduced during the late sixties by a Nigerian hippie, sitar-player Petal Pennywort Adedeji. Apparently, their production was quite accidental, since the woman, who was taking five during performances in a rural town, had dipped a biscuit into a bowl of the native hallucinogenic soup known as cachapino, mistaking it for cappuccino. 

She was soon found wandering, her arms extended, speaking Italian, and trying to take off from an abandoned landing strip.

Teenagers also noticed that sloths started swinging from live electric lines rather than hanging from tree branches, and eventually tracked their odd behaviour down to the fact that Miss Adedeji was feeding them her biscuits.

The sloths’ serendipitous addiction was eventually picked up by the population at large and it spawned rave parties that became so popular as to attract the attention of the local coca-farmers. Irate at the competition from the biscuits, Tatipota’s notorious “Black Bradypus” coca cartel invoked the country’s anti-drug legislation, calling on the police to crack down on cacapito weed production.

However, the biscuits simply started being sold and traded underground. Tatipotan authorities were never able to bring its use under check, until the Non-binary Humanfolk’s Congress, during one of its end-of-the-year rave parties, unanimously voted to lift the ban.

As a result, the number of teenagers now being committed to prison has dropped greatly.

“We care for our youth,” says Minister for Social Affairs, Angelito Brutos-Tatipero, “and we don’t want to send them to prison.”

The World Unity Organisation’s Secretary General has praised Tatipota’s initiative in fighting substance abuse among young people.

“We need creative approaches to global challenges,” she said.

Tatipota’s Ambassador Intervenes in the WUO General Assembly.

Tatipota’s Permanent Representative to the World Unity Organisation, Ambassador Klamp von Throttel, delivered a speech in today’s meeting of the WUO’s deliberative body, the General Assembly.

“Distinguished colleagues, Excellencies, dear Non-binary individuals and Non-heteronormative Living Organisms,” he said.

“More than two years have passed since my country first joined this organisation, with the firm commitment to bring a significant contribution to world peace.

However, the WUO has fallen short of its promises and I very much regret to say that since that day it still hasn’t delivered.

Indeed, despite numerous, reiterated interventions in my capacity as representative of the People’s Democratic Tatipota, the organisation’s staff haven’t yet found the little silver box in which I keep my heartburn pills.

Yes. Two entire years have passed, and the box remains as elusive and evanescent as when I first drew the WUO’s attention to the problem.

And now, I ask you all, how can this organisation, which prides itself in the pursuit of peace and prosperity, possibly rise to the lofty task of forging a better world, if it cannot even return a small, humble pillbox to its rightful owner?

Must I really resort to this august podium to explain what the box looked like, in order to have it back? Doesn’t the World Unity Organisation have more pressing issues to attend to?

Apparently not.

Frankly, I am most concerned at such lack of resolve before the simplest of challenges.

But then, and let me state this very clearly, humankind’s legitimate aspiration to a brighter future cannot be quelled. History itself is but a long tale of people rising against injustice and against that most heinous outcome of injustice, which we call tyranny. 

Are we perhaps forgetting this, today?

Nay, nay. I am confident that it is not so, and I daresay that this appeal of mine mightn’t be entirely falling on deaf ears, but will be heard and followed through with less incompetence than it has been until this present moment.

Distinguished colleagues, Excellencies, dear Non-binary Individuals and Non-heteronormative Living Organisms,

if found, the little box can be returned to me at the Premiumsupraluxus Hotel, suite 655, or left to Pedro, the concierge. You’ll easily recognise him because the boy looks amazingly fit, since I have him go to the solarium each day.

I should be very grateful indeed for your efforts, and, with me, the entire people of the People’s Democratic Tatipota. 

Let us never disappoint the world again.

Thank you.”

A New Cabinet is Approved in the People’s Democratic Tatipota.

The Presidenta of the People’s Democratic Tatipota, Astrid Tatipero, has unveiled her new cabinet. Built in Paris by a master craftsman of noble origins, it is made entirely out of rosewood and it can hold up to 70 bottles of gin. 

She told the press that, once the piece of furniture is approved by the country’s Non-binary Humanfolk’s Congress, its introduction will mark a new phase in Tatipota’s march towards full democracy.

Accordingly, history teachers must stop mentioning the war of independence, which saw the destruction of a precious Louis XVI cupboard as well as two casualties in the attempt to smuggle surviving chunks of it across the border as firewood.

Instead, educators must enlighten the younger generations on less divisive aspects of national identity, such as the colourful fertility dances and the noisy mass circumcision festivals held during summers in Tatipota’s rainforest. 

Fittingly, the new cabinet will be inaugurated by the Presidenta herself during a fertility dance that is scheduled to be held next week. Two virgins and a soothsayer will be appointed at the end of the ceremony to take care of the furnishing and keep it spotless henceforth. 

An abundant rain is expected to bless the proceedings.

“With this new cabinet,” concluded Presidenta Tatipero, “it will be possible to address all of Tatipota’s problems more efficiently than ever before. My guests will find lots of spirits inside it, and the signing of my decrees will take much less time.

The head of the opposition, Dr. Stipsis Propolis, has announced that he will be boycotting the fertility dance in protest against the dismissal of ministers who had criticised the solid rosewood cabinet for being too heavy to carry around in the yearly opening-of-Parliament procession.

Tatipota’s Economy Struggles to Avoid Collapse.

“The economy is in deep trouble but we’ll manage to keep the nation running,” assured Tatipota’s Economy Minister, Farthing Tatipero.

Speaking to the media, he assured that, in order to slash the deficit, funds are being actively sought in neighbouring countries, whilst the Ball of the Anaconda Women, a traditional event held every year at Tatipota’s Opera house, has been postponed so as to bring about further cuts in local current expenses.

“By not inviting dozens of anaconda women we can definitely save on caviar and champagne and settle all the government’s outstanding gas and electricity bills,” explained Minister Tatipero, “and in the meanwhile, we have dispatched envoys equipped with tin boxes to street corners in a number of brotherly countries. 

Through the adoption of such urgent measures we expect to secure enough hard currency to make ends meet by the end of the month.”

“Furthermore,” added Mr Tatipero in a flurry of flashes from the cameras, “thanks to our radical policy of reform that will eliminate corruption, make the duplication of receipts illegal, end the forgery of budgets, ban state officials who get caught asking for protection money, and stop the siphoning of petrol off government cars, we expect the living standards of the country’s underprivileged masses to rise sufficiently for us to tax them accordingly as from next year, thus squaring the democratic budget once and for all, and perhaps even funding an aircraft carrier too.”

The creative solution to the nation’s economic woes is said to be the brainchild of an unnamed European national who jumped the border into Tatipota by accident, wrongly believing that he was escaping EU tax authorities from the other side. 

Being the only person in the country to hold a degree in finance, he is thought to be currently held prisoner at Minister Tatipero’s ostrich farm until he works out a solution to the pitiful state of the indigenous economy.

Despite such persistent rumours, Tatipotan authorities have been strongly denying any foul play. 

The Minister of Democratic Information, Jirec Bolok-Tatipero, issued a statement in Brussels, yesterday, saying that no stray European has been seen in the country since Spanish conquistador Oscar De Los Titos was eaten by cannibals there, in 1632.

Tatipota Joins the World Unity Organisation.

The Permanent Representative of the People’s Democratic Tatipota to the World Unity Organisation has today presented a formal application on behalf of his country to join the WUO, after having left it only two weeks ago.

The decision follows a debate in the nation’s Non-Binary Humanfolk’s Congress over global solidarity, democratic values, and the recourse to peaceful and negotiated solutions in addressing conflicts.

Observers, however, point to the generous technical assistance that is extended to the organisation’s new members, suggesting that Tatipota’s long history of joining and leaving the WUO might simply be motivated by the desire to obtain fresh funds.

“Tatipota first joined in 1969, when plans had just been finalised to build a luxury hotel by the Pupipoti river,” recalls political analyst Donkis Fistulas, “but left it when the resort was completed, only to apply once more for membership when it was found that the building lacked plumbing. After the pipes had been put in place, Tatipota’s Congress voted to leave. Now they’re wanting to buy an aircraft carrier for their ramshackle navy, and, of course, they seek to join again. This isn’t serious at all.”

Tatipota’s Minister for International Aid, Oscar Pankreatis-Tatipero, firmly rejects any such insinuation.

“Fascist fiddlesticks,” he told us. “We left the WUO because we were dissatisfied with the way in which Secretary-General Kamila Bruschetti handled discussions. She screamed at our ambassador and never paid attention to any of his speeches. She was a horrible woman. If now we wish to re-join, it’s only because someone blew her up.”

We therefore asked Mr Pankreatis-Tatipero what he thought of the current Secretary-General.

“Our ambassador says that’s he’s all right for the time being,” he replied, “but it seems that he has a sweaty handshake and keeps on staring at people. Should this become a problem, the People’s Democratic Tatipota might be compelled to review the terms of its membership and leave.”

Tatipotan population drops, then picks up again.

In a televised speech, president Astrid Tatipero yesterday confirmed that the Tatipotan population has been steadily shrinking and might disappear altogether within the next thirty years if such a trend isn’t reversed. 

“It’s because men took to playing late-night poker after we banned the game during office hours in order to salvage the economy,” she explained. “I always told the Minister of Finance that it was a stupid idea.”

Whatever the reasons behind it, the demographic decline has become a matter of serious concern since the country’s national football team failed to knock together eleven players, this year, and had to renounce disputing the regional quarterfinals.

“But we believe that we have found a way out,” reassured the Presidenta.

Indeed, Minister of the Democratic Interior Olatunde Tatipero today announced that, in order to increase the number of Tatipotans, the country will start granting full citizens’ rights to household pets.

“We shall start with man’s best friend, the iguana,” he said, “and from there move on to tapirs, cats, pirañas and dogs.”

The initiative is being seen by observers as breaking new ground in the field of civil rights. The World Union Organisation’s Commissioner for Democratic Liberties issued a statement praising Tatipota’s creative approach to global challenges.

Domestically too, new scenarios are being envisaged in what is seen as an opportunity for improving Tatipota’s dismal political life.

“Just think of it,” surmises opposition MP Corseta Sospendas, “the fascist clique that has been ruling us since independence will be facing increased competition, and in a few years’ time we might witness a hamster running for prime minister or iguanas debating our national budget.”

Pet owners have been queuing since early this morning in front of the Ministry of the Democratic Interior, in order to register their companions.

Fifi, a five-year-old cocker spaniel, was the first one to become a full-fledged Tatipotan citizen.

“Woof, woof,” she commented when asked by reporters what it felt like to enjoy the same democratic rights as her owner, proud bus driver Rotundo Tagliolini.